It's about time you idiots had someone who knew what the hell he was talking about share some wisdom. You're welcome!
1. Florida Marlins: 57-32
These fishy bastards are going to make quite a run at it this season. Trading for next season's $110M man Lorenzo was a bold move. The guy is a bigtime stud on the mound, not unlike yours truly back in the day. With some pop in the lineup and another Baxter-like bullpen guy in Alicea to help as well, look out for the Marlins in October.
2. Oakland Athletics: 58-31
Are the other AL teams ever going to pull their heads out of their asses long enough to put together a team to stop these fuckers from rolling over them every year? It seems like they keep reloading with new Joses every few seasons. Is there a tunnel from Oakland to the Dominican Republic?
3. San Diego Padres: 55-34
This team is trying to test to see if there is such a thing as having too many ace pitchers. With a staff full of guys who pitch almost as good as I did, their playoff prospects look bright. I could come out of retirement and strike out most of the miserable excuses for hitters they roll up to the plate, but a few of them got enough pop to score a little and thanks to the pitchers, that is usually all they need.
4. Milwaukee Brewers: 55-34
Are they trying to win or collect former MVPs to hang out with Bobby Simmons? Sure, No Teeth Cressend is showing that his previous MVP might not have been a fluke. But dragging out Dee Dee's tired bones and thinking he still has anything left to help seems a bit desperate? Sure, this team can hit, but I don't see any Baxters on the pitching staff and that doesn't bode well for a playoff run.
5. Arizona Diamondbacks: 55-34
Led by Stone at the plate and FA pickup Ozzie on the mound, my old ball club looks like legitimate contenders. Throw in Sal Shea comin out of the pen, they just might have enough Baxter quotient to be sippin the bubbly in the end.
6. Chicago White Sox : 52-37
And my lazy mother fuckers of the year award goes to the White Sox! After four straight years of 100+ wins, 3 LCS appearances, and 1 title, these guys have been sittin on their asses this season and not getting the job done. If I was their manager (Anyone lookin for a new manager next season or sooner?), I'd be screamin at these SOBs every day until I was blue in the face and they'd be winning alot more games.
7. Baltimore Orioles: 53-36
I would fire their manager if they don't widen the gap. With a power packed lineup and decent pitching, these guys should be winning this shitty division by at least 10 games. Russ Byrne, you need to steer clear of any random testing, cause whatever you are doing this season, it is working.
8. Texas Rangers: 52-37
Runs scored: 13 million. Runs allowed: 12.999999 million. If chicks really do dig the long ball, they must be creaming their panties every night watching these games. Note to self: Time to visit Arlington.
9. San Francisco Giants: 50-39
The defending champs have been on the rise. They can't hit great but they got a bunch of speedy bastards that make things happen when they get on base. Other than that, Denny Watson is a bad ass mofo.
10. New York Yankees: 50-39
These old geezers can't hit for shit. Their pitching staff looks like a bunch of tired bags of bones. No surprise their record has been dropping like a rock thrown off a skyscraper. The only surprise here is that they ever made it up to the top of the damn skyscraper in the first place.