*Note: the opinions expressed in this season preview are those of J. Baxter, and not those of the commissioner, World Kinsella, or anyone else who is not drunken White Trash.
(1) NY Yankees
I was with this team for a short time last fall, so spending time in the locker room gave me a chance to see firsthand that this team has some big swinging d***ks and are ready for prime time. I expect a close race between Boston and New York, with the Yanks having the edge based on Boston’s miserable fan base and Jeff Bollea choking down the stretch. Prediction: 93-69, division title.
The big free agent signing for the Yanks was Mark Moore. I’m 35 and Moore is 34, so it absolutely boggles my mind why he is getting the big bucks while I’ll be riding buses with the rookie league mutts who will never know what it’s like to act big league. I faced this tool Mark Moore in the minors and I struck him out on 3 nasty heaters and he probably never felt like less of a man. If there was video of that strikeout around, I would be the one making 13 mil- I don’t think I ever faced this clown in the majors but if I did, I would have made him wish he was never born (Ed. note: Mark Moore was 5-7 with 2 HRs vs. J. Baxter in his major league career). In any event, their offense should score a lot on and off the field this season.
Their pitching staff should also do a decent job, although they probably should have re-signed a certain right-handed reliever who may or may not have been fighting drug and alcohol problems throughout his career. The rotation is young and solid, I partied with a few of these guys when I was with the Yanks for a few weeks last season. I took D.T. Porzio and Zoltan Figga down to Atlantic City on an off day, and let’s just say that the J-Man taught these young guys how to party like degenerates. Julio Romero can throw, but he’s one of those guys who refuses to speak English. What an obnoxious S.O.B.
(2) Boston
Here’s the thing about the city of Boston: too many guys out at the bars who are looking to fight. I mean, yeah I’m on the Yankees, yeah I just spilled a beer on you, and yeah I just said something borderline lewd to your wife, but let it slide pal. This negative attitude could possibly grate on this team down the stretch. Prediction: 90-72, wild card.
These guys led the AL in runs last year, but I don’t necessarily respect them. They picked up Terence McDonald; I roomed with Mac on the road when we both played for Padres. Talk about a friggin downer. I mean, the dude read the Bible all the time and he was too uppity to join in the festivities when I brought the party back to our room. Just because we have a game at 1 p.m. doesn’t mean I can’t have Richard Pryor in a headlock at 7 a.m., you loser. Remember, grooming wasn’t the same in the mid-90’s as it is today. I think he ended up asking for a new roommate. Anyway, Valerio Guillen will get his numbers, Sid Cannon and Marlon Swift are beasts, and Sal Sullivan is hung like a light switch but plays a good CF.
Jeff Bollea is a piece of [excrement]. I played with this mook in Minnesota and he always had a real attitude. I think he had a problem with my dating his ex-wife, but I say that once she files for divorce, she’s fair game. He came at me in the locker room about “temporary separation” and “the mother of his children” but I ended up telling him what I really felt. Wonder what he would think if he found out that I cost him 3 wins and probably the Cy Young that year by tanking his games. And also if he found out that I still bump uglies with his ex-wife Vanessa whenever I’m in the Twin Cities. (Ed note: Jeff and Vanessa Bollea are married and never divorced)
(3) Cleveland
Cleveland is just a brutal city to visit on a road trip. I’m a guy who really likes to get the pulse of a city by getting inside its citizens , but even the prostitutes in Cleveland are dogs. Anyway, drichter is pulling things together in Cleveland and the team has a bright future, even though any sane player will leave that putrid city at the first opportunity. Prediction: 75-97.
I played against Harry Reid a few years ago in Triple A, and I had a long conversation with him before the game. What a gentleman. Smart and funny too. If it wasn’t for my hatred of everyone with an ethnicity not exactly like mine, I could have been friends with this guy. It’s really too bad he had to be black. Of course, when I faced him during the game I threw at him and sparked a bench clearing brawl. The Indians are rebuilding and their offense will be below average.
The pitching staff for the Indians will be about average. The rotation is relatively young and might take some lumps this year, but the bullpen will be good. Max Duran and Yorvit Cornejo are both solid in the pen and Sparky Griffin is one of the best bullpen practical jokers in the league. I once heard about a prank that involved a children’s diaper, a rabid dog, a slurpee, and a motorized scooter. The victim was the team’s stud closer and ended up out for the year with vertigo.
(4) Baltimore
The Orioles are a solid team but I don’t expect them to have enough for a playoff spot. I played for Baltimore a few years ago and while I think their GM bkgolfer is a class act, their manager is a compete d**k weed. I have never once gotten along with a manager, but this guy really took the cake. He had the nerve to order me to run laps at spring training, all because I didn’t cover first base. But later I went to the parking lot and cut his brake line so I ended up with the last laugh. Prediction: 73-89.
The offense has a good mix of young and old, but they’ll miss Jose Roque in the middle. Not sure whether these guys are trying to rebuild or win now, but they could be in the mix for a playoff spot if things break right. Once I won a grand off Hank Anderson in poker on a plane ride and he never paid me, so I exacted that price in sexual favors from his fiancee.
Their pitching staff is OK. Nothing really interesting going on here. Quick story: Lew Spencer is a scratch golfer so I took him along with me and my good buddy John Daly for a round. We show up at 7 a.m. for an 8:00 tee time and little did I know that John was in the midst of a bender. We start drinking Jack Daniels hard and heavy. Spencer is puking in sand traps by the 4th hole. Little did I know he was the starting pitcher that night. I had a breathalyzer that I had from sharper image and he blew a .46 an hour before the game. Needless to say I made a few calls and some people put heavy action against Spencer for me. The c**ksucker ends up throwing a complete game shutout, completely hammered. Cost me 9 grand.
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